


you look at him and see the stars

by wintersend



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Angst, Drabble Collection, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-04-05 08:28:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14040231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintersend/pseuds/wintersend
Summary: They always find each other.(drabbles, tumblr prompts, etc etc. probably both canon and AU)





	1. don’t hide from me

**Author's Note:**

> for the prompt: "don’t hide from me, I want to see you.” originally on [tumblr](http://captainandors.tumblr.com/post/172083430570/from-the-prompt-list-dont-hide-from-me-i-want%22)

She doesn't know if Cassian knows but it's not self-consciousness that has her turn off the lights every time. It's not insecurity in her body or shame of the scars that cover it; it’s not any of the physical flaws she might have. She doesn't care about that, the defects or the scars, and she doesn't think Cassian cares either. They are a memoir, a testament to the fact that she's fought and survived, and fought and survived again.  
  
The truth is, it's just easier on her heart. She doesn't look him in the eye when she comes and she definitely doesn't look at him when he does (though, she imagines, he must be _beautiful_. She's tempted, sometimes, she will admit that. But she never looks.)   
  
She just doesn’t have time for romance. That’s her excuse. It’s better to keep him at arm’s length.

She’s scared of what she feels for him. That’s the real reason. She’s forgotten how to open up.

Instead, she keeps the lights off and makes it impersonal and pretends it doesn't mean anything. It's easier to do that in the dark, easier if he doesn't look at her, if she squeezes her eyes shut and hides her face in his neck. It’s just a means to an end, a way to relieve tension. They always keep it in the dark.  
  
And Cassian doesn’t push, perhaps because he’s afraid to spook her, but she knows he’s tired of the dark. It’s just that, what he wants, she can’t give him. All she can offer is occasional rendezvous at night, and trust and partnership during the day. That is more than she offers most people. It has to be enough. For a while, it is.

Until Cassian finds courage or grows tired or decides he has nothing to lose. Until he catches her wrist and tilts her head up and says, “Don’t hide from me. I want to see you.”

It’s then that she knows he understands her motivation. It’s not a simple request; they both understand the hidden meaning: he wants to really _see_ her. Not just her body but her soul. He wants her to let him in.

The thought scares her but she can’t deny the appeal of letting herself be vulnerable with him, and fear and longing wars within her. Cassian half on top of her, Jyn panting from the kiss he gave her, she feels like she can be persuaded.

She thinks, this can’t lead to anything good, and she thinks, would it hurt to let him see her one time? It’s not the right philosophy, she knows, because you give a little and people will always take more. But she has never known Cassian to be selfish, and he’s only asking for this one thing here and now. She has the power to give it to him.

Her hand lingers, then pulls away from the switch. Briefly, she wonders if she will regret it, but thinking quickly becomes optional under his talented hands. She wails when she comes around Cassian’s mouth, hips arching, legs trembling, and eyes on him the whole time. She would give him anything he asked of her in that moment and it would be the easiest thing in the world.

The feeling that everything will be alright fades when she returns to reality. She waits for regret to sink in, but more than anything, she just feels skittish like a frightened animal. Retreating seems like her best option at the moment.

She stays until he falls asleep, though. There’s no pillow talk but she does let him spoon her. Their silence is icy but Cassian doesn’t break it, and his stiff posture, she imagines, is his quiet acceptance. He already knows she’s going to run.

She thinks about her upcoming mission and the layout of the warehouse they’re supposed to infiltrate to keep herself grounded. She can’t fall asleep, though her heart twists painfully at how right it feels to be in his embrace, even fraught with tension like this. Then, at last, his breathing evens out, and she gently unwraps his arms around her, dresses, and slips back to her own quarters. Cassian doesn’t stir. If he does, he decides not to stop her, and she convinces herself he doesn’t wake up to her absence, even though she knows he’s a light sleeper.

She just doesn’t want to dwell on his reaction to finding her gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's not going to be all angst, I promise


	2. I wouldn’t mind falling asleep out here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also on [tumblr](http://captainandors.tumblr.com/post/171532746350/i-wouldnt-mind-falling-asleep-out-here-from) first, for the prompt "I wouldn’t mind falling asleep out here"

She hears him coming because he wants her to, leaves crunching, twigs snapping under his feet as he approaches her. His voice follows soon enough, when he’s close enough that she can hear his low grumble over the sounds of the forest on this backwater planet they’re stationed at.

“What are you doing out here?”

Jyn says nothing, doesn’t even look at him, just pats the ground next to her in a silent request. She can feel his eyes on her as he hesitates for a second, thoughtful, but he obeys quickly enough. She keeps her eyes on the dark starry sky as he settles down on the blanket beside her, but she’s aware of his sudden closeness. His presence is too big to be ignored. She doesn’t know how to resist the pull towards him; lately, she hasn’t wanted to.

They stay silent for what must be minutes. Jyn thinks he finds the answer to his question himself as he listens to the forest surrounding them: the song of the night birds calling to each other, the flapping of their wings as they fly by overhead, the soft breeze whistling through the trees, their own quiet breathing in the space between them. It smells like pine and dirt and fresh rain, and feels as close as to peace as Jyn imagines she can get.

Cassian breathes out a quiet  _“oh,”_ and Jyn lets a small smile curl on her lips. “I know,” she wants to say, but decides against breaking the serenity of their silence. Instead, she moves her hand closer to his, their fingers almost touching.

She looks at him, looks at their hands, and imagines how they must look like from the outside: two stars orbiting each other. She wraps her hand around his before she could think too much about it.

When he speaks again, his voice is just a murmur in her ear. “I wouldn’t mind falling asleep out here.” 

She tightens her fingers around his hand, a silent agreement. It’s the best sleep she has in a long time, under the stars, next to Cassian’s comforting presence, sang to sleep by the night birds all around them.


	3. I can't stop thinking about you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for the prompt: “I can't stop thinking about you” and “I hope you'll stay the night.” I imagined this as a follow up to chapter one but can be read alone as well.
> 
> originally on [tumblr](http://captainandors.tumblr.com/post/175312741335/rebelcaptain-prompt-if-youre-up-for-it-2-6)

It takes her too long to find her way back to Cassian. Too long with the war going on, too long considering how patient he’s been, too long for someone who’s constantly thinking about him. Far too long.

But not too late. Hopefully.

She knocks on his door, ignoring the fact that she knows his keycode, and has been told to use it freely, whenever (that was _before_ , when they were… seeing each other.) He could have changed it since then, and she would rather let him decide whether he wants to open the door and let her in.

She’s scared, for a moment, when he sees her standing there and the cold expression on his face doesn’t soften for her like it used to. Scared that he’ll slam the door in her face and she’ll deserve it, a payback for all the times she saw him on base and turned the other way, ignored him, pretended she didn’t see. But he steps aside to let her through, and she breathes a sigh of relief, even if his face remains impassive.

Inside, she fidgets, her nerves getting the best of her. She can’t blame him for it, but the indifferent way he looks at her isn’t exactly encouraging, and a small but deep-rooted voice in her head suggests, “ _run_.”

But running is what got her here in the first place. She’s run from the first real relationship she’s ever had and it brought her nothing but pain. Which is ironically what she was trying to avoid by leaving him behind. It had backfired spectacularly.

After months of agonizing distance, she finally admitted it: his roots dug deep into her heart and she didn’t know how to begin to weed him out. Maybe she hadn’t ever wanted to.

He clears his throat, drawing her eyes to him, and she realizes she’s been lost in her head for a while.

“So – ”

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” she interrupts, the words bursting free without warning. Simple, honest, straightforward. She has no taste for flowery speeches or grand declarations. They don’t have the luxury to waste time with that.

But it isn’t enough for Cassian. He tilts his head, furrows his eyebrows. Jyn is satisfied to see that his mask of indifference slips to reveal his confusion. “Why?”

The question is genuine, proof enough that she really messed up this time. She hears what he’s not saying, the accusation in his voice: “If you can’t stop thinking about me, why do you turn the other way every time you see me?” It’s a reasonable question, and she has no easy answers.

But she’s determined to fix this, and she knows she must be brutally honest, vulnerable in a way she’s never been with anyone. She has to lay her heart down in front of him and hope he doesn’t step on it like she’s stepped on his.

Her hand reaches up to squeeze the crystal around her neck for support before stepping forward.

“Because I miss you.” She pauses, swallowing. “I miss us.”

Pain flashes in his deep brown eyes, and Jyn wants to reach out, comfort him, wants never to be the source of his pain again. His lips curl into a wry smile as he gives her a pointed look, and says, very deliberately, “Was there ever an us?”

She winces as she realizes what she just said. Her own words, used as an excuse to avoid him after their separation, thrown back in her face. _“Was there ever an us?”_ she asked him, averting consequences, convincing him this never meant anything to her. After all, they had a deal from the start. He was the one who started wanting more, and that was not on her.

She regrets those words immensely. Though the remark stings, she figures she deserves it. She knows him well enough to recognize his defense mechanism when she sees it, and this is just that. He’s protecting himself, trying to – from her. Her heart aches at the thought and she vows that she will never intentionally hurt him again.

“There could be,” she says, and this time, she’s brave enough to reach out and take his hand. He blinks, staring at their hands, and she sees the first flicker of softness in his eyes. She relishes in the touch of their hands, the simple contact, for the first time in months. “I made a mistake, Cassian. But I’m tired of missing you. I don’t know how else to say it.”

He lets out a soft sound, a quiet “Oh,” that makes her heart beat faster. His hand feels so warm in her own, his presence soothing and familiar. She’s missed this, missed being around him, missed holding his hand, missed hugging him and kissing him and just talking to him. She’s missed his friendship just as much as she’s missed the something more they had. If he doesn’t want her anymore, she’s ready to be just his friend, she’s prepared to grovel for it – she just wants him back in her life.

His gaze sweeps over her, studying her, looking for the truth. Her first impulse is to look away from the intensity of his stare, terrified she wouldn’t pass his inspection, but she knows it would be a mistake. She knows he would interpret it as uncertainty or dishonesty. So she doesn’t break eye contact, trying to convey the sincerity of her feelings as she stares back, hoping he would find what he’s seeking. He could always read her better than anyone; it shouldn’t be a problem now, after she’s pulled her walls down and let him in.

A moment passes, and his face softens, his posture relaxes. His hand twitches in her own, as if he’s fighting himself from wrapping his fingers around her, and Jyn smothers a smile. She doesn’t dare celebrate yet.

Cassian’s voice is quiet and delicate when he asks, “Are you certain about this?” She has the power to break him and she thinks a part of him is expecting it. But she’s determined to prove him wrong. She’s going to love him and cherish him until he believes he deserves to be loved and cherished.

“I’ve never been more certain about anything,” she replies, squeezing his hand to emphasize her words. She hopes he believes her, she hopes it’s enough for him for now, (she knows they’ll have to work harder to rebuild the shattered trust between them, but that’s a battle for another day) and she breathes a sigh of relief when he tugs on her hand and draws her to his chest.

It feels like being able to breathe again after suffocating for so long, it feels like coming home – because he _is_ home, and she can’t believe she threw it away like that. Never again. She’s not going to let him go again.

“Hmm?” he hums, and she realizes she probably muttered the words aloud.

She pulls away far enough to look him in the eye. “I said I won’t let you go again.”

The smile on his face is small, but to Jyn, it feels brighter than the sun. He doesn’t respond verbally but he tucks his head into the crook of her neck, holds her tighter, and even starts swaying a little with her in his arms. Jyn can’t help the fond smile at his antics. She presses her cheek to his chest and feels his heart beating rhythmically, placing a hand to the spot to guard it. She doesn’t feel like moving for a while.

And they don’t, not even to find a more comfortable position, not even to talk or kiss, not even when he says, quiet and uncharacteristically fragile, “I hope you'll stay the night.”

“Always,” she whispers, and means it.


	4. this is the happiest I've ever been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have some short pointless fluff I wrote the other day to cheer myself up

Their hands are entwined between them, her other one resting on his cheek, absentmindedly caressing his jawline. They haven't talked in a while, haven’t moved in a while, both lying on their side, gazing at each other. Their eyes flutter closed every now and then, but they always open, not ready to let each other go yet.

She could look at him for hours, she muses, exhaling a soft sigh with the thought. Her heart feels full, feels too big for her body. Like it cannot possibly hold all the love she feels for him.

“This is the happiest I've ever been,” she admits, the words ringing quiet but true on her lips.

Cassian leans in, presses a kiss to her forehead, and her eyes fall closed. She hums happily. She's only known war her whole life but this – this must be what peace feels like.

 _This_ , is what they’re fighting for.

Jyn snuggles closer, keeping her eyes closed. She feels sleep press in but she fights it, not wanting the moment to end yet. All too soon, it'll be morning, and they'll have to return to their daily routines, the coldness of Hoth, the harshness of war. She'd like to stay in Cassian's embrace a little longer. 

He wraps his arm around her and pulls himself closer as well. His face rests in the crook of her neck, their legs tangled, wrapped up in each other. She feels safe, warm, loved. She feels hopeful, calm, content.

She can ignore the rest of the world for a little longer. They can wait an eternity for all she cares. As long as Cassian doesn’t let her go, she’s not complaining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The _"This is the happiest I've ever been"_ line comes from The Good Wife. I love that line so much, and I think it's so fitting for both of them.
> 
> This was also posted on tumblr [here](http://captainandors.tumblr.com/post/177986024770/heres-some-really-short-pointless-fluff-i-wrote)


End file.
